Well the title itself steals away the whole meaning. Chaotic & Exhausting! So where do I start about this? My brain feels wired and foggy. Everyday.
I heard of this funny quote:
“Having a 2-year-old is like having a blender without a lid” – Jerry Seinfeld.
I cannot disagree! Except there are 2 babies I’m keeping up with.
Life at this point feels FULL – Double equals double trouble, extra work, no recharge, multi-task…. and the list goes on.
I struggled a lot with house chores, cooking, having a moment to just read a damn book, hoping to drink a hot cup of tea that turns into a cold cup of tea, showering, toileting, getting ready, no sleep and still today no sleep.
I always saw myself having more children but I didn’t think I would have my second so soon. I was still adjusting my life with my son, at the time he was 10 months old when I conceived.
When my fiance and I found out we were expecting our second child, we were both speechless. It was time for another ride. I cried happy tears thanking God for gifting me another baby although I was not ready at all, but really when are we actually “really” ready? We told all of our close friends and family. Somehow it seemed more shocking finding out the second pregnancy more than the first. I guess because our son was still a baby and we were bringing in another one already.
In the middle of my pregnancy, I was getting super emotional about having another baby and that it won’t be my son and me anymore. I was so used to just having him. I couldn’t fully wrap around my head yet that I was pregnant again because it felt like it was just yesterday that I was. I would often look at him when he’s playing or sleeping and I’ll start crying. I was getting sad and I felt so bad for even feeling like that when I should be excited which of course I was, but looking at my baby boy who still is a baby just saddened my heart. I wish I could just tell my son “You’re having a little sister and she’s going to be here very soon!” so that he would be aware and not in sudden surprise.
Fast forward to the day Violet was born, I was at the hospital for 2 nights and Kyvan was at home with my family. It was the hardest being away from him and adapting to this new little bundle in my arms.
The day I brought my daughter home, everything felt so different, almost terrified to be exact. I had to cope with a fragile newborn and a naughty baby boy who puts everything in his mouth. From there it wasn’t easy as I had in mind but I knew it was going to be a heck of a ride. Although I had help, still I felt like the pressure was on. Of course, I am the Mother but its that feeling. “Okay. (Breathing heavily) 2 kids now. What’s next?”.
HOW I FELT WHEN VIOLET WAS BORN
Now there’s not one baby anymore. There’s two and one of me. Meaning double everything.
There were nights and days, I broke down and cried away. I honestly don’t even remember the last time I cried like that or even if I ever did. Tears out of deep stress, pressure, fear, unknown to the future… etc. Every day got harder as the days went by and more expectations grew from my kids.
It’s true. They say you’ll have a different relationship with each of your children. My mom had 8 and for sure she had a different bond between my siblings and me. I saw how she treated each of us differently.
When I had Violet, I didn’t feel as attached to her as I was with Kyvan. Usually, when it’s your first you put in all the time to take as many photos as you can of them and dress them up, snuggle, watch them sleep and hoping they’ll wake up so you can play with them and count every single move they make. I was all of that. I still, of course, do what I can with Violet but I was not myself and was not well at all- emotionally, mentally, physically exhausted and in pain. I could barely open my eyes, my brain could hardly think for itself, and I was speechless. It felt completely different compared to my first experience. Nothing I imagined it would be. Then there were days I felt like such a horrible mother not bonding with her the way I should and give her me. I had all these uncontrollable emotions running through me that made everything difficult especially with a horrible and traumatic pregnancy experience that didn’t help either.
Every day I would think to myself that having 2 young kids was so hard especially back to back. So one day I stopped thinking “2 Kids” and I started looking at them as 1. I stopped thinking about all the challenges and all the no sleep. The more you think about what is pulling you back will just pull you back more. So I stopped thinking negatively and I started pulling through, and things got better! Now Kyvan is almost turning 2 and Violet is 5 months, things are getting into place. Doing things, getting stuff done, going out and such is a lot of work with the kiddos.
LEAVING THE HOUSE
Okay, so this can honestly take forever and feels like forever just leaving the damn house. We’re going to my moms, and why does it feel like we’re never going to be out of that damn door? Question is, is my timing on point? What I do is I get the diaper bag ready first or myself, depending on once again “time” and my mood. So I boil water for Violet’s milk, fill Kyvan’s bottles, his diapers and extra clothes. And then Violet’s powder formula into her divider container, her diapers, bottles, extra clothes, bibs, and face towels. Once I get that done, I get myself ready and then the kids. Then finally we will be out the door. It normally takes about an hour to get us all ready. Not including the times when I want to dress up, cause that’ll take a little bit more time than an hour.
GETTING MYSELF READY
My usual day’s looks are hair up in a messy bun, bare face, eye bags, no bra, loose t-shirts and shorts on. Messy updo buns are my go-to nowadays. I used to struggle doing that hairstyle but somehow I seem to master it now lol.
I love to wear makeup and dress up whenever I go out. But now with 2 kiddos, it’s hard to do that. When I can find the time I will put in the effort for myself. I get ready when it’s Violet’s nap time which is usually around noon. It’s hard to put makeup on or do my hair when she’s crying, wants to be held or needs my attention, so as soon as she falls asleep I can finally get ready in peace! Not. There’s Kyvan who destroys and makes a mess pretty much wherever he goes. In my dressing room, as I’m getting ready, I’ll try to give something to distract him, and if that doesn’t work I don’t let him do this but this is what he does he will go into my arts & crafts drawer take everything out, take my eye shadows and dig his fingers in, take my heels off my shelf, so anything that’s in his way he plays and wrecks. Some days he’ll want to sit on my lap which will make my getting ready harder to do. After I finish getting ready, my dressing room ends up looking like there’s been an earthquake. I often get asked how do I still have time to get ready when I have 2 kids… I set my timings and I multi-task.
COOKING DINNER.. or NOT
Some days we cook dinner, some days we go out, or some days we order in. When I cook dinner I usually cook around 5:00 PM when my kids are still awake and playful. 5:00 PM works best around my time at home. Kyvan will be playing or watching his shows while most of the time I have Violet on my back and then she just falls asleep. It’s easy for me to make dinner this way. Sometimes my Fiance and I will switch it up after he gets home from work he’ll cook and I’ll clean.
PUTTING THE KIDS TO SLEEP
Every night putting them to bed was tough. This I find will need extra time just like leaving the house. We get them ready for bed at 9:00 PM and some days it takes them about 1 hour and a half to fall asleep. Kyvan needs me to sleep and so does Violet. I would juggle them both at the same time. Violet in one hand and Kyvan holding my other hand, that’s how he likes to fall asleep. By holding my hand. I tried other alternatives for both but in the end, they always run back to Mom. Eventually one would fall asleep first and it’ll make things a lot easier!
When it’s nap time, one would fall asleep and one will be awake. As soon as one wakes up, the other one goes to sleep, and repeat. The same goes to crying. One cries and the other is chill. Once one stops the other one starts. They take turns doing their thing and there’s no such thing as naps for me as much as I would love to.
It’s hard when one only wants all of “You” and does not want to include anyone else. Kyvan get’s jealous when I pick up Violet and I’m not showing him any attention. Sometimes Violet gets fussy when I hold her in one arm and Kyvan is also wrapped around my other arm. So what I do is I lay them both down and I start singing. They both laugh and start to be calmer. I love to sing. I think singing brings a lot of joy and warmth wherever you are. Especially babies, they love the soothing voice that puts them at ease. Singing to them works almost all of the time but some days can be tough!
WHAT BEING A MOM OF 2 UNDER 2 TAUGHT ME
PATIENCE, PATIENCE, PATIENCE, AND PATIENCE. Everything had to be about taking a deep breath, hold, let it out, stay calm and shout “I got this”. It took me a few months to adjust everything of me to this whole new routine. Today, I’m still learning and growing.
I learned that whatever didn’t get done, WILL eventually get done. On my plate and maybe on most mom’s plate feeling like crap is common. I try to remind myself that I can only do what I can do. Forget about how many loads of laundry I will have to do, the clothes I never picked up from the ground or the floor that’s never been mopped for how many days.
Things will get easier and things are getting easier…so far.
Having more faith than ever.
I look at my mom as my motivation. If she can raise 8 children, I can do 2. lol
I’ve been born again to a new person after I had my daughter. It may sound weird but she birthed me too. She birthed me into a new blossom. My son taught me what true love is and my daughter taught me strength, she opened up my eyes about life, and she made me become more mindful. She was my challenge and challenge makes the change. I was going through a lot and battling some personal issues before I got pregnant. Then when I got pregnant again, it was the hardest I had to cope with during the entire pregnancy, it was traumatizing but after having Violet, she gave me the wisdom to come through and say to myself that I am ready for change. Giving God all of my pain and go to sleep, let myself rest and let Him do the work in my life instead of trying to figure everything out. I’m thankful for this, it was a tough journey but tough is what makes us. Sometimes certain things don’t wake you up until all you have left is to stay strong and fight for peace on your path.
Thank you for stopping by and taking the time to read my latest post. May we all get good sleep! <3